It’s 2 a.m. The house is quiet. The only light is your phone, and the only sound is the frantic scrolling as you search for an answer to the question lodged in your throat: “How do I do this without losing the person sleeping next to me?”
You’re building a dream, one exhausting, exhilarating hour at a time. This hustle isn’t just a passion project; it’s a lifeline, a statement, a future you are forging with your own two hands. But in the quiet moments, a creeping loneliness wraps around you. You’re not just tired; you feel like you’re becoming the “entrepreneurial widow” of your own life, mourning a connection that’s physically present but emotionally a million miles away.
You feel the ache, that quiet, heavy push and pull between building your dream and nurturing the person you love. This piece is for you, the woman who feels that ache in her bones.
And I’m not here to tell you to schedule another date night or add one more thing to your overflowing plate. This is about one small, doable shift that can quiet the storm in your chest and bring you back to each other. It’s about learning to close the distance, one tiny, powerful moment at a time.
Your Relationship Isn’t Broken, It’s Under Pressure
Let’s get one thing straight: what you are feeling is not a sign of personal failure. It’s a symptom of a massive cultural shift. You are not alone in this. In 2024, a staggering 36% of working Americans have a side hustle. For many of us, especially women with children, it’s not just for fun—it’s to make ends meet. This isn’t a hobby; it’s a second job, with all the pressure and none of the benefits.
The strain is real and it has a name. Researchers have noted a terrifyingly high divorce rate among entrepreneurs—somewhere between 43% and 48%. That number isn’t a scare tactic. It’s a data point that validates the immense pressure you’re under. It’s the late nights, the financial risks, and the “emotional neglect” that happens when you can be sitting right next to your partner, but your mind is wrestling with a client problem or a marketing plan.
World-renowned therapist Esther Perel says that in one person, our partner, we are looking to fulfill two fundamental and opposing human needs: the need for Security (stability, predictability, the comfort of “us”) and the need for Adventure (risk, growth, the unknown).
Your side hustle is the ultimate adventure. It’s you, betting on yourself, stepping into the wild unknown. And it can feel, to the person you love, like a direct threat to the security and stability of the life you’ve built together. This isn’t a case of one partner being “wrong” or “unsupportive.” It’s a clash of two valid, essential human needs. Seeing it this way removes the blame and turns it into a shared problem you can finally solve together.
The Invisible Work That’s Draining You Both
If one more person tells you to “just communicate more,” you might scream. It’s the most useless advice ever given, because it ignores the real reason you’re both so exhausted. When you’re already stretched thin, the idea of planning one more thing—even a date night—feels like a crushing burden, not a relief.
The real culprit has a name: Emotional Labor.
This is the invisible, unpaid, and unending work of managing the emotional climate of your home. It’s anticipating needs, remembering birthdays, planning meals, soothing anxieties, and keeping track of all the logistical and emotional details that make a life run. And the research is clear: women carry the vast majority of this load. With 59% of side hustlers being women, that hustle doesn’t just add hours to your day; it multiplies your emotional labor exponentially.
This is the partner on Reddit who feels they have to be a “cheerleader, not a mom” for their entrepreneurial spouse. It’s the woman who just needs to vent about a frustrating day but gets a list of unsolicited business advice instead. She wasn’t asking for a consultant; she was asking for a partner.
Learning to manage this labor is crucial. It starts with framing your conversations. Saying, “Hey, I have five minutes and I really just need to vent. Can you just listen and tell me I’m not crazy?” is radically different from launching into a complaint and then feeling resentful when your partner tries to “fix” it. You’re not just communicating; you’re teaching them how to meet your needs in the moment, reducing the invisible work for you both.
It’s Not About Grand Gestures; It’s About Turning Toward
Here’s the surprising, beautiful truth that relationship scientist Dr. John Gottman discovered over decades of research: relationships don’t usually die from big, explosive fights. They die a slow, silent death from thousands of missed moments of connection.
He calls these moments “Bids for Connection.”
A bid is any attempt from one partner to another for attention, affirmation, or affection. They are happening all the time, in the most mundane moments of your day.
- “Wow, look at that sunset,” is a bid.
- A heavy sigh from across the room is a bid.
- Sending a meme that made you laugh is a bid.
- “Can you believe what my boss said today?” is a bid.
These are the small, seemingly insignificant moments that are the true building blocks of a strong relationship. And every time a bid is made, the other person has three choices: to “turn toward” it, “turn away” from it, or “turn against” it.
- Turning Toward: You look up from your laptop. “Wow, that’s beautiful.” You engage.
- Turning Away: You grunt in acknowledgement, or just stay silent, your eyes glued to the screen. You ignore or miss it.
- Turning Against: You respond with irritation. “Can’t you see I’m working?” You reject it.
The difference is everything. In his research, Gottman found that the “masters of relationships” (the couples who stay happy together long-term) turn toward each other’s bids 86% of the time. The “disasters” (the couples who break up or are chronically unhappy)? They only turn toward bids 33% of the time.
This is the mic-drop moment. The slow drift you’re feeling isn’t about a lack of love. It’s about a pattern of turning away. When you’re deep in your hustle and your partner says something, and you offer only a distracted grunt… that’s a turn away. When they are scrolling through their phone and you share a small win, and they just nod… that’s a turn away. It’s rarely malicious, but it’s slowly, quietly eroding the very foundation of your connection.
How to Make a Bid When You Have No Time
This isn’t about adding more work. It’s about a one-degree shift in your awareness. It’s about finding the smallest, most accessible ways to “turn toward” each other, even when time and energy are at their lowest. This is the ultimate “Tender Rebel” move: reclaiming your connection in the stolen moments.
For the Hustler (you or your partner):
- The Pre-emptive Bid: Before you dive into a deep work session, send a text. “Hey, this next hour is going to be brutal, but I’m thinking of you. Can’t wait to connect when I’m done.” This one sentence acknowledges the work, but it turns toward the relationship first. It builds a bridge, not a wall.
- The 5-Minute Transition: When you finally close the laptop, set a timer for five minutes. For those five minutes, the business is off-limits. Ask your partner a real question about their day—and truly listen to the answer, without interrupting or waiting for your turn to speak. This creates a sacred buffer between your work life and your shared life.
For the Partner Feeling Neglected:
- The Low-Stakes Bid: The impulse is to say, “We need to talk,” which can feel overwhelming and confrontational. Instead, try a bid that’s small and easy for them to accept. “Hey, can you watch this funny dog video with me for a minute?” or “Can I read you this one ridiculous paragraph from the article I’m reading?” It’s a small, easy “yes” that begins to rebuild positive momentum.
- The Physical Bid: When they’re buried in their work, walk up behind them and place a hand on their shoulder for a few seconds, without saying a word. Then walk away. It’s a bid for connection that communicates love and presence, and it requires zero mental energy for them to receive it.
This is not about being “needy” or demanding. It is an active, powerful rebellion against the silence. It’s you, actively, fiercely, and gently rebuilding your relationship, one tiny brick at a time.
More Than a Side Hustle
The distance you feel isn’t a sign of your relationship’s failure. It’s a symptom of two good things—your deep love and your wild ambition—competing for the same limited resources of time and energy. You have been told the answer is a massive overhaul, a perfectly balanced schedule, a grand romantic gesture.
That’s a lie.
The answer is smaller, quieter, and more powerful than you can imagine. It’s in the pause before you answer. It’s in the decision to look up from the screen. It’s in the hand on a shoulder. The answer is in the small, everyday moments of turning toward each other.
You are building an empire. That is a brave and worthy thing. But your relationship isn’t a side project you can get to when you have time. It’s the other empire you are building, simultaneously. And the tools you use to build it are not hustle and grind, but presence and attention.
Your rebellion starts now. Tonight, make one small bid. Send one text just to say you’re thinking of them. Share one moment from your day. Don’t ask for anything in return. Just turn toward them.
And if this piece felt like someone finally said the thing you’ve been holding in your chest, bookmark it for the next 2 a.m. scroll. Or better yet, send it to your partner with the message: “This made me think of us.”
You don’t have to do this alone.